I sometimes wonder if it’s better to be ignorant, like so many of Because I’m The Dm That’s Why Shirt. Like you, I had a “moment” where I realized I was “trans”. But at the same moment I knew I’d never not feel like a complete fraud and wolf in sheep’s clothing if I were, for example, in a women’s changing room. From that moment I’ve been self-aware and unable to turn it off. Of course none of that changes anything about what arouses me. But I find it almost impossible to enjoy thinking of myself as a woman now.
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Even cross dressing, I just feel ridiculous now. I’m a man and Because I’m The Dm That’s Why Shirt. It’ll never change. And I don’t actually want it to. I like being a man. I don’t like being AGP. I’m trying to make peace with it and with myself. I think that would be easier if I weren’t in a relationship that didn’t rely on conventional heterosexual attraction, which is hard for me at best and impossible at worst. Without a straight relationship, I wouldn’t be so constantly reminded of my perceived failure to be a “normal” man who gets aroused “normally”. But then I’d also be without my partner, which is a no go.